ABC’s Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise is an absolute institution of reality television. Having pumped out 34 seasons so far (even more than Survivor and way more than the soon-to-be-defunct American Idol), sometimes as many as three a year, hundreds of romantic hopefuls have been given their 15 minutes to search for a manufactured soulmate and/or talk to raccoons. Thousands of roses have become martyrs to the corporate love machine, ratings have fluctuated, gallons of wine have been consumed, and at least five couples have managed to survive throughout the years.
Many people think the real grand prize for being a contestant on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette is the opportunity to lose gracefully enough to be picked as the future Bachelor or Bachelorette (because even though you were not good enough to be chosen, you’re still good enough to choose), which is why this upcoming season is of particular interest.
Season 11 of The Bachelorette begins Monday night with a twist that will surely make the streets of #BachelorNation run black with teary mascara: For the first time ever, there will be two bachelorettes. The chill that is obviously running down your spine after reading that is the desperation of ABC executives sighing aloud as they try to keep their jobs. Britt Nilsson and Kaitlyn Bristowe had to compete against each other earlier this year for the affection of a horny farmer, and now they will have to compete against each other yet again for the affection of 25 men who could end up being way worse.
Luckily for us, ABC has the foresight to let the viewing audience know more about these men than the women that they could eventually marry, and have released the bios of the guys that we will get to spend 2-to-4 hours a week with this summer. I recruited my fellow Oxford Karma contributor, radio copilot, and Bachelor bro, Mr. Beau Brady, to help me comb through these bios and pick our favorites and least favorites.
Beau: My primary beef with this season’s batch of gentlemen is the lack of unique names. I’ve always said that a contestant is doomed if their name comes attached with a last name initial. By my logic, Ben H., Ben Z., Shawn B., Shawn E., Ryan B., and Ryan M. all stand zero chance at winning this season. Same goes with the Josh/Joshua or Cory/Corey combos. Don’t think that because you added the extra letter(s) in your first name means you’re safe, either. Also, too many Dumb and Dumber favorites.
Ryan: I opened all 25 of these profiles up in separate tabs and it caused my Macbook to crash. This is not a good way to start for these guys. After getting them all open and glancing through them, I noticed a lot of similarities between most of these dudes (besides the fact that they were all shameless enough to audition for this show). The combination of beard scruff and v-necks seems to have made its way up into the world of corporate 30-year-olds as most of them have at least one of those things. Three of them inexplicably listed Dumb and Dumber as a favorite film, three of them are from Nashville, and three of them are from Missouri. It apparently only took ABC 33 seasons to cast every white person from the coasts. They’re all somewhat tan, except for Canadian sex coach (!) Shawn E, whose pale exterior stands out like a roseless bush. I was happy to see at least one man had the sensibility to wear a tie (Josh) but was then saddened to see his occupation listed as “Law student/exotic dancer.” You go, Josh.
Read on for Beau and Ryan’s favorite Bachelorette contestants.
