OK, Cupid, I am taking a stand. A stand for one-night stands.
I was recently inspired by a column about redefining the meaning of virginity, in fact the author suggests that we do away with defining it all together. I want to take a similar approach to redefining — or un-defining — one-night stands.
As a human who has had to slough through intimacy issues for most of my sexual life, I always found a lot of grace in one-night stands. There’s something freeing about colliding with another human for just a brief period of time, just long enough to show off all of your tricks and have a story to tell the next morning. Unlike the complexity of long(er) term relationships, the one-night stand requires you to only be vulnerable in the ways that you want to be. But what if the vulnerability you expose during these romps of carnal delight are not carnal at all? What if it is that emotional, sensual side of yourself that you want to bust out?
I propose one-night stands begin to meet the following definitions, which are all actual definitions of the word “stand.” None of them will end in a walk of shame, because shame is for people who think they have done something bad. And you, dear reader, have done nothing of the sort.
1. “Each halt made on a theatrical production to give one or more performance”
First, some history. The original meaning of “one-night stand” came from this first definition. This is akin to one of my favorite versions of the one-night stand, which I call the “slutcation,” in which you go out of town and find yourself giving the performance of your life for one night only and then swiftly exit the stage to the sound of raucous applause. I reserve the right for “slut” to be a word full of choice and power and want of judgement and abuse in this definition.
2. “Rest without disturbance, typically so as to infuse or marinate”
Sleep in someone else’s bed and do nothing but marinate in their presence. Zero sexual relations required, just the ability to be vulnerable and let someone else wake up in your drool puddle with you.
3. “Remain valid or unaltered”
For those of us who require just as much courage to not do something as it does for others to do it. Tattoo this on your arm when you know you will see that ex who seems to think sex will forever be on the table and you will always have to make the choice to walk away. One night at a time, baby. One night at a time.
4. “Provide food or drink for someone at one’s own expense”
Put someone else’s something on your tab and keep your clothes on the whole time. Be a sugar daddy, sans sugar — unless you’re buying someone dessert. Then this definition gets a lot more complicated.
5. “Remain upright and entire rather than falling to ruin”
Ask yourself to simply not crash into a pile of human mess at the end of the night. Stay out till 4 a.m. and do whatever feels right, but keep your eyes clear. I’m not saying to stay sober; just be aware of your surroundings. And if that becomes too difficult to do, order an Uber and pay the extra $1 million to have them go through the Whataburger drive-thru. Honey butter chicken biscuits are scientifically proven to make your life 50 percent better.
6. “Be available for breeding”
But only if you and your partner can agree on a preschool.
7. “Collect and remain motionless”
Be a small pool of resolve and silence amid the choppy seas of human misconnections. What happens when you are quiet with another person? What changes when you look someone in the eye well past the point of comfort? Take a night to stand still together.
8. “Be in a situation where one is likely to do something”
Stop sitting down when the whole room is on its feet.
9. “Withstand an experience or test without being damaged”
There is no reason why your walk from where you ended up last night to wherever the hell you parked your car should be one of shame. Yes, your underwear is soaking wet and in a Target bag. Yes, this body-conscious dress turns back into a compression sleeve at the stroke of midnight. Yes, your lipstick looks more like an allergic reaction than the YouTube tutorial you used to apply it said it would. But no one gets to call you damaged or broken except yourself. You are allowed to experiment and test out your own sexuality. Keep yourself safe, learn your limits, always stay present and stand up for yourself.
