1. They poop
Maybe a lot, maybe a little. Maybe in public, maybe only at home, maybe sometimes in their pants. Maybe you will smell it, maybe you won’t. The main thing to know is that actual humans actually poop. If you have never pooped, either because you are a girl or a robot, be sure to support the human you are dating in his or her defecating endeavors.
2. You are not their first
Actual humans have dated people other than you. They will want to talk about who they dated before you. There is chance that they dated another actual human. Don’t worry about this; it just means you are better than that person and should remind them of this often.
3. Valar morghulis
All actual humans will eventually perish. It can happen at any time and will make absolutely no sense when it does happen. I heard about an actual human who died just from living for too long.
4. Sleep is a requirement
Although they are capable of staying awake for more than 24 hours, most actual humans don’t like to and get weird when they do. When they are sleeping, you can also sleep if you’d lie. Sometimes actual humans look really cute when they are sleeping, but sometimes they snore, drool, pee, fart, steal covers, kick, scream, and get boners.
5. Give them space
Don’t always touch a human body with your body. On Sundays, consider just waiting in your car outside their house instead of going inside. Text them between 7 and 50 times a day, no more, no less.
6. Don’t visit other planets
They can’t survive there.
7. Differences
I haven’t quite figured it out yet, but all humans are different. They look different, think different, act different, and they really want you to know that they are ‘different.’ Don’t pretend to understand how actual humans are different; they will need to explain that to you.
8. They are just like you*
If you ever find yourself thinking, “how will this ever work?” just remember that you are an actual human too, and at the end of the day that is what really matters. That and feeding them three to five times a day and watering them with whiskey.
*If you are not an actual human, please do not heed this advice and please stop trying to date actual humans.
