Though we celebrate the two greatest gifts to mankind this month — black music and the LGBTQ community — we all know that soon these payment-for-our-sins rains will stop, temperatures will skyrocket and this will all stop being fun. Alternatively, the rain continues and we get washed into Texas where our lives take a turn for the truly nasty.
Luckily, I scoured the state for the best ways to pretend to have actual enthusiasm for the next 30 days of torturous weather, rain or shine.
Thank you, AccuWeather.com, for the month’s forecast. Your writers are incredible!
June 1: “Plenty of sun,” high of 78, low of 59
It is Monday. A new week, a new month, a new opportunity to set higher, less realistic expectations for yourself. Let’s do this.
June 2: “Sunshine and Patchy Clouds,” high of 82, low of 65
Get your club going up this Tuesday with Tech N9ne at the Diamond Ballroom. I feel like this artist is constantly playing a show somewhere, yet no one has had the heart to tell him that his facial hair is not flattering for his face shape. You could be this person. Talking about the patchy clouds outside could be a good lead-in.
June 3: “Humid with Plenty of Sunshine,” high of 85, low of 65
The Stanley Cup Finals start today with the Chicago Cultural Appropriations representing the West and the Tampa Bay Neutral Weather Symbol representing the East. Hockey is not made to be watched on television; it is made to be watched in a cold building, with angry white people, and as close to the ice as possible for maximum banging-on-glass potential. Long may you live, indoor sports.
June 4: “Partly Sunny, Breezy, humid,” high of 87, low of 67
Oklahoma Shakespeare in the Park kicks off its 2015 season tonight at Myriad Botanical Gardens with a performance of The Winter’s Tale. I highly suggest going now instead of later because you do not want to see what happens to stage makeup on local actors after the temperatures get over 90.
June 5: “Mostly cloudy and humid,” high of 87, low of 67
Entourage the movie is in theaters this week. Last night I had a dream I was in the cast and I got to ride jet skis for, like, days on end. As a human who respects herself, I would never choose to play a woman on this show, but I would gladly accept the role of Johnny Drama and bring such gravitas to it.
June 6: “Partly sunny and humid,” high of 88, low of 69
I am not sure how the dog show community feels about Christopher Guest’s classic mockumentary Best in Show, but I know that I have most of it committed to memory. Have the best Saturday ever at the International Dog Show in OKC when you dress up as your favorite character from the movie and attempt to provide commentary as funny as Buck Laughlin. What a way to kick off Pride in Tulsa.
June 7: “Mostly sunny and humid,” high of 85, low of 57
If you are in Tulsa, head to Cain’s to see Tyler, the Creator make white people feel both cool and uncomfortable for a few hours. If you are in OKC, get yourself over to Tall Hill Creative to see a rad new art show by Melissa Gray entitled Housewives, Hysterics, Witches, and Bitches.
June 8: “Brilliant sunshine,” high of 83, low of 67
Not many people know that Oklahoma is home to the Pinto World Championship, a yearly horse show at the Built Ford Tough Livestock Complex in Tulsa. Not many people who read this will go to this event. I imagine Tinder will be chock-full of all the professional cowboys and cowgirls you could ever want this weekend.
June 9: “A t-storm around in the a.m.,” high of 83, low of 66
Oh, good. The rain is back. For a while there I was worried I would have to feel guilty about being so miserable while the sun is shining for forever.
June 10: “Variably cloudy with a shower,” high of 79, low of 66
OKC’s yearly deadCENTER Film Festival kicks off today, and the festival schedule looks great. This is purely based on me just reading the titles of the films and not researching them at all. However, my really cute boyfriend and his boyfriend did make a badass documentary about Satanists in Oklahoma that I think you should see. Not like I am giving them special attention or anything. Not like I am letting you know it shows on Thursday at 9:45 pm and Saturday at 3:00 pm. Nothing of the sort.
June 11: “Mostly cloudy, a little rain,” high of 79, low of 69
Relive your childhood at Guthrie Green in Tulsa tonight with a screening of Toy Story, starring Tim Allen as Buzz Lightyear, his most challenging role to date. I would advise this as a date night only if you are a very graceful, snotless crier.
June 12: “Sunshine with some clouds,” high of 86, low of 67
Please do not go and see Chris Brown perform at the Chesapeake Energy Arena tonight. Just stay home watch all of Season 3 of Orange Is the New Black instead.
June 13: “Mostly clouds with a shower,” high of 90, low of 69
One of my favorite Oklahoma bands, Other Lives, plays tonight at Cain’s Ballroom in Tulsa. I would go but it is Cry Baby Hill Eve on Tulsa Tough weekend, and therefore I will be at Soundpony.
June 14: “Mostly sunny, very warm,” high of 94, low of 72
Today is a Tulsa kid’s Christmas. We all wake up somewhat early on a Sunday, wear ridiculous outfits, gather on a neighborhood hill on Riverside and watch a million cyclists race up a very steep incline. This event is soaked in a very rich brine of booze, sweat, and last year there was mud. We call it Cry Baby Hill, and I literally bought my outfit weeks ago.
June 15: “Overcast, t-storms, cooler,” high of 83, low of 62
Today is World Elder Abuse day, which comes in at number three for June holidays that just remind people how terrible humanity can be. Second place goes to International Innocent Children Victims of Aggression Day, and number one is obviously Father’s Day.
June 16: “Clouds and sun with a t-storm,” high of 79, low of 63
The wait is over. Today we find out if Donald Trump will be running for president yet again. Don’t worry too much, though, because the last time he decided against running was due to his desire to once again host The Apprentice. I’m looking at you, The Bachelorette franchise. Please give Mr. Trump a new gig and America the break it deserves.
June 17: “Sunshine,” high of 80, low of 71
Happy Hump Day! I am proud to let you know that nothing good will happen today.
June 18: “Sunshine,” high of 86, low of 72
Make the short trek over to Glenpool to celebrate Black Gold Days. It sounds a lot more There Will be Blood-esque than it actually is.
June 19: “Mostly sunny,” high of 87, low of 71
The annual Okie Noodling Tournament in Pauls Valley is what makes me, Caitlin Turner, proud to be an Oklahoman. I honestly think we should change our state motto to “putting our hands where they shouldn’t be.”
June 20: “Mostly sunny,” high of 87, low of 72
What a beautiful day for a gun show. Or OKC Pride. Probably same crowd at both.
June 21: “Abundant sunshine,” high of 87, low of 71
The summer solstice is here! And after reading the Wikipedia article I am still a little confused! Luckily, it is also Father’s Day and I can just call up my pop and ask him what it means and he will give me answer that is 60 percent true, 40 percent shit he thinks sounds good and I will believe him 100 percent.
June 22: “Brilliant sunshine,” high of 87, low of 66
By this day we all will have seen the second season of True Detective and will be able to once again have conversations with people we work with who have absolutely no other value to us than their ability to watch new television in a timely manner.
June 23: “Increasing cloudiness,” high of 83, low of 71
Tom Brady’s appeal is set for today. As a person who only watches sports when it will lead to people liking me, I am quite baffled as to why finding out if a ball was deflated takes more than one meeting to figure out.
June 24: “Times of sun and clouds,” high of 83, low of 74
I just want to point out that today’s forecast sounds like a meteorological report from Game of Thrones.
June 25: “Times of clouds and sun,” high of 84, low of 74
I don’t know if anyone told you, but soon there will no longer be elephants at Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey circuses. A total win for animal rights, a complete loss for kindergarteners everywhere planning on training elephants as a career path.
June 26: “Mostly cloudy,” high of 84, low of 74
The monthly H&8th Night Market should be tonight. I haven’t been, but Oxford Karma has and she loved it.
June 27: “Clouds giving way to some sun,” high of 84, low of 77
World’s Most Talented Friend Thomas Williams debuts his cabaret performance “Holding Out for a Hero” at the Tulsa PAC tonight. His Twitter is reason enough to see this human on stage.
June 28: “Very humid with some sunshine,” high of 89, low of 74
June 28th is a perfect day and 6 and 28 are perfect numbers because perfect humans Kathy Bates, Elon Musk and Freddie Gibbs were born on this day and all have lunch together to celebrate.
June 29: “Humid with sunshine,” high of 94, low of 75
Shit, June is almost over and you have spent the whole month thinking about how you should really do stuff outside before it gets nasty, sticky-thighs hot outside. Instead, you stayed inside and watched True Detective trailers until it actually aired.
June 30: “Sunshine and humid,” high of 91, low of 74
By this point the reality of global warming is setting in. Your car is an unwanted sauna. The mere mention of something outside causes PTSD. Turn your a/c up; July is when we all stop caring about anything.
